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IELTS Essay Masterclass Targeted Feedback PDF 1 Writing Your Introduction

1.

IELTS Essay Masterclass
Targeted Feedback PDF 1
Writing Your Introduction
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Targeted Feedback
Targeted feedback focuses
on a small number of
targeted areas.
It helps students focus on their
key mistakes and identify their
main weaknesses.
It also helps students help
themselves and improve their
own weaknesses.
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2

3.

Targeted Feedback
✔
We do this by looking at a series of simple
statements and then analysing our own work.
✔
We will also look at a range of student
samples.
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3

4.

4 Targets
01
03
Question Analysis
Paraphrasing
02
Idea
Generation
04
Outlining Main
Ideas
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4

5.

Question Analysis
Did you identify the main topic of the
question?
Did you identify the speci c keywords?
Did you follow the instruction words?
Use the checklist to analyse the student
samples.
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5

6.

Question Analysis
Student Sample
In modern times, young adults are spending less time with their
families and more time with their friends.
Why has this change occurred?
Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time
at home?
In present times, adolescent people enjoy spending more time with
their peers than their families. Mainly because, they get more
attention and love from their friends.
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6

7.

Paraphrasing
Student Sample
More youngsters tend to hang out with their homies a lot
more frequently than their own families nowadays. One
reason is the lack in communication between the parents and
their children due to busy work schedules. While imposing
strict and longer family times may help, allowing these young
people to spend enough and healthy time with friends will
balance their social life thus result to better family
relationships as well.
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7

8.

Question Analysis
Student Sample
Nowadays, young people tend to spend more time with their
friends than with their families. This change has taken place
due to the smaller numbers of people living in each house
these days and parents shouldn’t force their children to stay at
home as this would not foster good relationships within the
family.
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8

9.

Idea Generation
Did I generate 1 idea that is relevant
to the question?
Is my idea speci c?
Can I explain my main idea?
Can I support my main idea with
evidence?
Was I able to do this quickly?
Use the checklist to analyse the
student samples.
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9

10.

Idea Generation
Student Sample
In this contemporary world, in spite of being with family
youngsters are spending more time with their friends.This
essay will explore why is this happened and it will later
address the question that children should be controlled by the
parents to stay at home .
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10

11.

Idea Generation
Student Sample
Nowadays, young people tend to spend more time with their
friends than with their families. This change has taken place due
to the smaller numbers of people living in each house these days
and parents shouldn’t force their children to stay at home as this
would not foster good relationships within the family.
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11

12.

Paraphrasing
Does my paraphrased sentence mean
the same?
Is my vocabulary accurate?
Is my grammar accurate?
Have I varied the sentence enough?
Use the checklist to analyse the
student samples.
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12

13.

Paraphrasing
Student Sample
In this sophisticated world most of the youngsters being with
their companions for long hours than their families because of
the in uence of social media and in my opinion parents
should not force them to be with them but implemented
strategies such as conducting family gatherings, encourage
them to participate perhaps manage the situation.
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13

14.

Paraphrasing
Student Sample
nowadays, the young people like to be with their peers rather
than their families. this is because they feel being understood
more and easy to express themselves so parents need to
understand this and try to enter their world in order to give
proper parental guidance.
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14

15.

Paraphrasing
Student Sample
Nowadays, young people tend to spend more time with their friends than
with their families. This change has taken place due to the smaller
numbers of people living in each house these days and parents shouldn’t
force their children to stay at home as this would not foster good
relationships within the family.
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15

16.

Outlining
Have I clearly outlined the answers to both
questions?
Have I excluded detail?
Is the grammar and vocabulary accurate?
Use the checklist to analyse the student
samples.
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16

17.

Outlining
Student Sample
In this modern day, young adults spend more time with their friends rather than their
parents. This is due to changes in their life’s known as the adolescent stage. During this
stage or life cycle the young adults think their matured enough to do whatever they
want or feel like doing. Parents should not force or persuade their children to have
more time with them but rather should understand the reason why their wards spend
more time with their friends. Therefore instead of forcing their children, they should
advice their their children not to keep too long with their friends and also not to
indulge in evil practices.
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17

18.

Outlining
Student Sample
Nowadays, young people tend to spend more time with their friends than
with their families. This change has taken place due to the smaller
numbers of people living in each house these days and parents shouldn’t
force their children to stay at home as this would not foster good
relationships within the family.
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18

19.

20.

Look at the question below. Follow the steps
outlined in this lesson and write a main body
paragraph for the rst question.
Nowadays museums and historical sites are mainly
visited by foreign tourists instead of locals.
Why is this happening?
What can be done to get locals to visit museums
and historical sites more?
Use the checklist to analyse the student
samples.
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20

21.

22.

Targeted Feedback
do this by looking at a series of simple
✔ We
statements and then analysing our own work.
✔ We will also look at a range of samples.
the statements and samples to evaluate
✔ Use
your own work.
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22

23.

24.

Topic Sentence Checklist
I have only 1 idea in my topic sentence.
The topic sentence clearly helps the reader
understand the main point of the paragraph.
The topic sentence clearly answers the rst
question.
Use the checklist to analyse the student
samples.
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24

25.

Topic Sentence
Student sample
Obviously, people seem to know all about an area in which they bring up. They
grow while exploring their surroundings, listening stories from their elders,
and reading and studying literature of their native regions. So, being
contented, they nd such archives or chronicle areas as vapid and always keep
aspiring to explore something different. For instance, People from all over the
world show keen interest in visiting historical monument, Taj Mahal, one of the
seven wonders of the world, that is in Agra. But, localites here hardly visit to
this mausoleum and moreover often involve in activities which spoils the
beauty of the place or the monument.
Examiner Feedback- No clear topic sentence making it dif cult to understand if
response addresses the question or not.
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25

26.

Topic Sentence
Student sample
In recent years, the best atraction points from a city are mostly
explored by people from other countries than locals. This phenomen
has ocurred mainly because population has lost interest in culture and
history therefore mesures like advertising or reductions on prices may
be imposed in order to regain locals attention.
Examiner Feedback- No clear main idea in the rst sentence.
Advice- Do not paraphrase the general topic again. Instead, answer the
question clearly in your topic sentence by stating one clear main idea.
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26

27.

Topic Sentence
Student sample
In modern times, local residents seem disinterested in visiting historical sites
and museums in their vicinity compared to tourists because they have become
familiar with these sites and the history is a part of their identity and
background. However, these sites are places of interest and adventure to
tourists and foreigners who have little or no knowledge about the history of
the town, so it is only natural for the museums and historical sites to hold
more appeal for them and be visited so as to learn more about the culture of
the people of that town.
Examiner Feedback- No clear central topic because multiple main ideas in topic
sentence.
Advice- Pick one main idea and fully develop that main idea.
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27

28.

Topic Sentence
Student sample
Most locals have become too familiar with seeing and hearing about
things kept in the museums and historical sites in their communities. This
is as a result of ancient items being displayed outside to attract visitors.
Seeing these displays often has led to them loosing interest to further
nd out more. For example the Zumbawa museum located in the city of
Lekki in Lagos evaluated the reasons for their low patronage by locals
and discovered that their daily displays led to a negative impact on the
locals due to over familiarity.
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28

29.

30.

Explanation Checklist
My explanation explains the main point included in
the topic sentence.
My explanation does not repeat the same idea in
the topic sentence.
Anyone could read the explanation and fully
understand what I think about the main idea.
The explanation helps the reader understand what
I think about the question.
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30

31.

Explanation
Student sample
Presently, foreigners are the only personnel that are visiting museums and
Relics area instead of indigenous humans because of familiarity and closeness
of the inhabitants. It is important for the community leaders to enforce a rule
on the local to visit their museum enlightening them of the important
associated with the visual aid as related to education. Examples is the history
student who need to see in physical what is being thought in the school.
Advice- This response gives a solution to the issue instead of explaining the
issue.
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31

32.

Explanation
Student sample
Locals put on one side visiting museums and historical sites as they have the
opportunity to see them any time they want. This accessibility puts these
visits back in the priority list. For example; if there is a sale both in malls and
museums at the weekend, locals prefer go shopping instead of visiting
museums as they last there forever but clothes.
Advice- One short sentence is normally not enough to fully explain your main
idea. Requires further development.
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32

33.

Explanation
Student sample
Local people are less interested in sightseeing mainly because they feel like
they can do it any time. They do not have rigid time limits to follow and
therefore it is not in their bucket list. There is always something more
important to do right now than going to a local museum where they probably
were on a school trip. For instance, a great deal of natives do not even know
about opening times of a certain site whereas they are more likely to do it
being a tourist abroad.
Advice- This response attempts to explain the main point but it seems to be
two seperate explanations rather than one cohesive explanation. Do not use
multiple separate points.
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33

34.

Explanation
Student sample
Most of the locals have already visited the historical sites in their city at least
twice in their past, so they do not feel much motivated to see the same things
again. After working for 5 days, people want something new to look forward to
spending their time with on the weekends. The historical places lack that
newness in them due to which people get attracted to other options which
offer them entertainment and a more dynamic ambience. For example, most of
the Delhi localities prefer visiting malls as compared to the Old Fort as the
malls provide them with different options such as watching movie, restaurants,
fun rides for kids, etc.
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34

35.

VIP Student Explanation
People from the local community often nd these attractions too
expensive to visit. This is because there is often an entrance fee charged
to attend and there is also the added cost of transportation and
refreshments. These expenses can often be very dif cult to afford for
someone on a low salary when compared to a tourist who has the
money to go and visit different countries.
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35

36.

Example
Checklist
The example supports (linked to)
the main idea in the topic sentence.
My example is logical.
My example makes sense.
My example helps the reader understand
my main point
The example proves my main point is true.
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36

37.

Example
Student sample
I completely agree with you because foreign tourism is the main source of
national income so governates don't encourage internal tourism . They make
more bonus and discount to foreign tourist . The internal tourism is in its way
to disappear for most people prefer to stay in the home watching TV rather
than go to historical places as they don't spend any money . Also life pressures
and expensive cost of our needed , this defend most of people toward work
extratime instead of have good vacation with their family in a sight seeing .
Examiner Feedback- No example present.
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37

38.

Example
Student sample
In modern times, historical places like museums and castles are more visited
by tourists comparatively to local people.The main reason is that local once
visit these places and aware of them and attraction get nished in their eyes
,rather than visitors get more attraction for these historical places as these are
new for them.For instance, when locals make a plan to visit someplace they
always prefer a new place which they never visited before.
Advice- This example is very vague. Adding a city or speci c places to visit in
that city would improve this example.
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38

39.

Example
Student sample
Exploration of history makes foreigners to visit museums and
historical places more. This is because most foreigners wants to
Know more about the nation's history leaving them with an option
of visiting their museums and place of history. For instance, most UK
citizen's usually Visit Nigeria's source of river ethiope because of the
historical stories behind the formation.
Advice- This example does not make sense. Most UK citizens do not
visit Nigeria. Your example does not need to be 100% factually
accurate but it does need to make sense to the person reading it.
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39

40.

Example
Student sample
The nearby people are often bored by visiting historical sites and museums of
their locality because they have already read about its history multiple times
which resist them to nd anything interesting or attractive in these sites.
People urging for something new, gets no satisfaction by visiting these local
sites; hence, resulting in their less number. In contradiction, foreigners nd
adventure in exploring new culture of different country. For example, the Taj
Mahal, in India, is merely visited by local residents of Agra, whereas there are
number of foreign tourist visiting it.
Examiner Feedback- Overall, this is quite a good example because it does
provide evidence that supports the main point. However, linguistic errors do
cause problems for the reader.
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40

41.

VIP Student Sample
People from the local community often nd these attractions too
expensive to visit. This is because there is often an entrance fee charged
to attend and there is also the added cost of transportation and
refreshments. These expenses can often be very dif cult to afford for
someone on a low salary when compared to a tourist who has the
money to go and visit different countries. For example, the Churchill War
Rooms in London cost around £20 to enter, on top of the high cost of
transport in the city, meaning most guests are not from the UK.
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41

42.

43.

44.

PURPOSE
The purpose of this document is not to give you the ‘correct answer.’ There is no
one ‘correct answer’ when it comes to writing an essay.
The purpose is:
✔ To give you a checklist that you can apply
to your own essay
✔ To give you a model answer that was produced
using the best practices contained in the IELTS
Essay Masterclass
✔ Use the statements and samples to evaluate
our own work.
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44

45.

NEXT STEPS
Apply the checklist to your own writing. Be critical of your own writing now so
that you can improve and get the score you need on test day.
If you would like a full step-by-step course, detailed guidance on your
preparation and all the help and support you need to pass the IELTS test from
IELTS experts, you can join our VIP Course
by clicking here.
We can also create the perfect course for you and answer all of your questions.
My email is chris@ieltsadvantage.com
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45

46.

Question Analysis Checklist
I understood the general topic of the question
I identi ed the speci c keywords in the question.
I understood the question words.
If you can say ‘yes’ to all of the above, you
have improved dramatically. Well done!
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46

47.

Idea Generation Checklist
I used the ‘argument method’ to generate relevant
and speci c ideas.
I assessed my ideas and decided they could be used
to make a reasonable argument that fully addresses
all parts of the question.
If you can say ‘yes’ to all of the above, you
have improved dramatically. Well done!
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47

48.

Planning Checklist
I used the structure provided to plan my essay
before I started writing.
I knew what I was going to write before I started
writing.
If you can say ‘yes’ to all of the above, you
have improved dramatically. Well done!
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48

49.

Introduction Checklist
I paraphrased the question statement effectively.
a. My sentence means the same as the question
statement.
b. My vocabulary is varied as much as possible.
c. My grammar is accurate.
Both of my main ideas are clearly outlined.
If you can say ‘yes’ to all of the above, you
have improved dramatically. Well done!
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49

50.

Main Body Paragraphs Checklist
My topic sentence matches the idea outlined in my
introduction.
My topic sentence clearly tells the reader what the
paragraph is about (my argument).
My explanation clearly explains my reasoning.
My example makes sense and provides
evidence to support my argument.
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50

51.

Conclusion Checklist
I have used a cohesive device which is accurate and
appropriate.
My main arguments and reasoning are clear and
well summarised.
If you can say ‘yes’ to all of the above, you
have improved dramatically. Well done!
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51

52.

Grammar and Vocab Checklist
I have used grammar and vocabulary in a way that
makes my writing clear, rather than trying to show
off.
I have varied my vocabulary as much as possible.
I have used a range of complex and simple
sentences.
I have proofread every sentence more than
once.
I have xed any linguistic errors.
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52

53.

Coherence and Cohesion Checklist
All of my cohesive devices are appropriate AND
accurate
I have used paragraphing suf ciently and
appropriately.
If you can say ‘yes’ to all of the above, you
have improved dramatically. Well done!
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53

54.

VIP Student Sample answer
Nowadays, young people tend to spend more time with their friends than with
their families. This change has taken place due to the smaller numbers of
people living in each house these days and parents shouldn’t force their
children to stay at home as this would not foster good relationships within the
family.
Young people spend more of their free time with their friends because they
generally have fewer family members. Today, a person has to look outside the
family unit for someone to interact with as most households are made up of
small nuclear families, which is in stark contrast to the past when many
siblings, cousins and grandparents all lived together. This inevitably leads to
them developing closer relationships with non-family and choosing to enjoy
their leisure time outside of the home. For example, in Britain, the number of
members per household has decreased by around half in the last 50 years.
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54

55.

VIP Student Sample answer
It is not advisable for a mother or father to oblige their son or daughter to
spend more time with them as this will not create a situation where the family
bond well with each other. If young adults feel that they have to stay at home
under duress, they will be in a bad mood as they don’t have enough control
over their lives and they will not enjoy any interactions they have with their
parents. For instance, a recent article in the Huf ngton Post argued that it is the
quality of time rather than the quantity that ensures a good parent-child
relationship.
In conclusion, young people are spending a greater amount of time with their
friends than with their families because there is little company available and
parents should not force their children to do otherwise because this would
damage their relationship rather than improve it.
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55

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